Several years ago, after a relationship ending, I went to Parts Therapy in hopes to gain some self-understanding. I had a problem being assertive and at times would not ask for fear that people would be offended or would not like that I’m even asking. People pleasing can manifest through different behaviors including assuming. I would assume that people will feel a certain way, or that they would reject me, etc. I vividly remember what the therapist said. He said, “If you want to know, just ask. Don’t assume.”
Asking can save us time and the emotional energy we invest in worrying. Worrying can deplete our energy. For example, we could assume that someone doesn’t care about us if they didn’t come to our party only to later find out that they had been sick or had an emergency. Assumptions can also be destructive. They lead to misunderstandings and they make people do things that they would not have done had they known their assumptions were wrong. On the other hand, when we ask, we allow others to give an answer and an explanation. As a result, we improve our capacity to empathize.
Why then do we make assumptions? We assume because it is easier to go after what we already know rather than being faced with something new. It is more efficient to explain a behavior based on past experiences instead of questioning the present behavior. We are afraid that our world view will be challenged. We protect ourselves from being wrong and escape the discomfort of change should we find later that our belief or assumption was wrong. This behavior however prevents us from fully experiencing life and having authentic relationships with people and the world around us.
How then can we stop the habit of assuming? One way is to cultivate an open mind. This means being willing to ask questions in order to understand a situation. It requires the humility to accept and entertain the idea that we could be wrong. Some people have a difficulty accepting that they are wrong. They are also the ones who struggle forgiving themselves. However, once you can accept that it is okay to make mistakes, you can then give the space for others to do the same. Be like a scientist or an investigator. Gather information before arriving to conclusions. Ask questions. Get to the truth instead of fearing what you might hear.
If we value authenticity and true freedom, we will make it a priority to engage in behaviors that allow us to grow and fully engage with others. It takes courage and initiative to question, both ourselves and others. But the things that are worth taking a risk are usually the ones that push us out of comfort zone and offer the most benefit. They allow us to expand and gain clarity in many situations. They build character and contribute to harmonious relationships.